Jokes

I know... really, I know, they are not good, but I laugh... guilty me ;)

 

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Two fish  swim into a concrete wall.
> One turns to the other  and says "dam"
>
>  **********
>
> Two peanuts walk into a  bar
> One was  asalted.
>
>  **********
>
> A jump-lead walks into  a bar.
> The barman says "I'll  serve you, but don't start anything."
>
>  **********
>
> A sandwich walks into a  bar.
> The barman says, "Sorry  we don't serve food in here."
>
>  **********
>
> A dyslexic man walks  into a bra.
>
>  **********
>
> A man walks into a bar  with a slab of tarmac under his arm and says:
> "A beer please, and one for the  road."
>
>  **********
>
> Two aerials meet on a  roof, fall in love get married.
> The ceremony wasn't  much ! but the reception was brilliant.
>
>  *********
>
> Two cannibals are  eating a clown.
> One says to the other:  "Does this taste funny to you?"
>
>  **********
>
> "Doc, I can't stop  singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That
sounds > like Tom Jones  syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
>
>  **********
>
> Two cows standing next  to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
> "I was > artificially  inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said
Dolly. "It's true, no  bull!"
>
>  **********
>
> Two hydrogen atoms walk  into a bar.
> One says, "I've lost my  electron."
> "Are you  sure?"
> The first replies,  "Yes, I'm positive..."
>
>  **********
>
> A man takes his  Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
> is there anything you  can do for him? " "Well,"  says > the vet, "let's
have a  look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth.  Finally, he says "I'm going to have to
> put him down." "What? Because he's  cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really
heavy"
>
>  **********
>
> I went to buy some  camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
> find  any.
>
>  **********
>
> I went to the butchers  the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top  shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks
are too high.'
>
>  **********
>
> My friend drowned in a  bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
>
>  *********
>
> Our ice cream man was  found lying on the f! loor of his van covered with
nuts & hundreds and  thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
>  **********
>
> What do you call a fish  with no eyes?
> A  fsh
>
>  *********
>
> Two fish are in a  tank
> One says to the other  "I'll man the guns, you drive"